Penis

Why does a man's penis have a hole in it?
So he can get oxygen to his brain

?

Ever think the the person who came up with that "Tortoise and the Hare" story was just a stoner?

Credit

My credit is so bad, My credit card company took out a restraining order on me!

Loser!

You might not have your shit together, if your phone's in your baby's name.

Women

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

sexting

I really think I missed out being born in the 60's. All this sexting stuff. Back when I was in high school, if you wanted naked footage of a girl you knew. You had to hide a camera and get her drunk. Now girls just send it to you without asking.

Sex and school.

I was just talking to my son about not being a high school freshman next year. I told him the rest of high school is filled with friends, parties and semi-consensual sex. I told him college is even better. I had sex everyday. He said: didn't you go to an online school? I said: yes and most of the sex was with myself, but fun non the less.

Sorry no good posts today.

I spent all day helping a female friend who's car broke down. Took her to work at 4 am.. Picked her up from work. And fixed her car free of charge. And I didn't even get a "Blow Job of Gratitude".

Fat People They are lurking!

Ever think the the person who came up with that "Tortoise and the Hare" story was just a stoner?

Dad

One time, my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you don't want to hear in that situation is, 'Son, move over.

Ex Box

I just found out my ex-girlfriend needs a kidney transplant. And I'm not really worried because her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years

I'm an Anteater! Baby!

Stand-up

This was going to be A stand-up video. But it wouldn't load.

So True!

Blow Me!

What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow? 
MONEY

Purple Suit

I went to a bi-racial wedding this weekend. And I relized something black guys can do, that white guys can't. Wear a purple suit. A black guy looks smooth and in style. I wear a puple suit. I look insane. I would look like someone thats gonna fight Batman.

Heavy Hangers

My friends wife used to have 34d's before she had twins. Now she has 34 longs.

New Porn?

Why do they keep making porn, when they all end the same?

Pulled over

I got pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop asked me: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said "Because I'm black?" He just stared at me, got in his car and drove off. It was strange. Its a true story. Its funny Because I am blonde with blue eyes.

 I use to date a midget.

I was nuts over her!

I was told never to help with homework again.

Manic Depressive

How many manic depressives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, let them them cry in the dark

I finally watched that documentary series about homosexuals on Fox. What do they call it? Glee?

The Elks Lodge

I got drunk @ the Elks Lodge. I had what they were having. I had the Prune Daiquiri. talk about getting shit faced. Without the face.

And then we had to change schools.

To Much Porn

I think I've been watching to much porn. The other day I was pumping gas in my truck, when I was almost done I pulled out and sprayed the rest all over the back of the truck.

Not that there is anything wrong with it.......

Kelly Clarkson

I just saw the Kelly Clarkson tour bus drive out of Portland. It was either that or a cattle truck. Not sure. I did see a herffer or two.

F***King Cats

I miss the days of Hot Tubs and girls who liked me for my ability to keep a secret.

My favorite Past Time

 I once masturbated in an airplane. I guess I'm in the half mile club.

Life

Life is to short to take seriously.